As day pass me by, I can't help, but wonder how lost I am here. I don't feel at home. I don't feel at ease. Yes, people, I finally admit that being in the west is not what I can call "home". The east sounds so inviting, plus all of my friends are awaiting for my return! Life here differs so much from there. It's like being in another world. A world where time stood still and goes in slow motion. Being there gives me such a rush. A rush that I never felt before, not even back home.
I know, I know it's been far too long... two years of being away from my so-called home. My home away from home. Funny how being there, made me feel. Like I grew up there all my life. I got more friends there. It was there that I blossomed to the woman that I am today. Hands down, East Coast brings out the best in me. Enough said.
Yet, no matter how much gravity is pulling me there (with the people I wanted to see, be with and spend fun times with), I just can't pack up my bags and leave. I have responsibilities up my yinyangs that I just can't abandon.
A whole new different life and world awaits me there. The life that I've been meaning to return to. Friends who've been with me through good times and bad. Friends who love me as I am.
I fell in love with it the moment I set foot on its Eastern soil. I told myself that I would never leave this place not knowing what's in-store for me. I love everything about it. The sunny and warm summer. The turning and falling of the leaves as fall befell the entire city. The first snowfall on my hair, turning everything like a white fairytale. White thick snow signifies the cold winter ahead. The warming up and melting of the snow as spring sprung the flowers. Tulips will always be associated with spring. Hot and sweaty makes me wanna soak up the sun. Every bit of it, I treasure.
Some will never understand my obsession with the east. Some will say because your're in the west, others think I just want my independence. Both may have a hint of truth in it. In reality, I find my calling there. It is there where I wanna grow old; want to raise my family. It's the place where I find contentment, love, acceptance, compassion, friendship, true happiness that can never be bought by no amount of money in this world.
Despite my deep and hurtful history before I left, I find myself being drawn to it as time pass me by. I realize that even if it brought me so much angst, it wasn't all that bad. The good and bad times there were equally distributed. How can we find happiness if we don't know what pain is? Back then, all these were such a blur. I got lost in translation that all I can think of is to get as far away as I can. Hoping and wishing the pain will go away. Not realizing that it's in me and time can only heal all wounds.
My life is on a hanging balance right now. I have put my own happiness on hold for the sake of my family. They need me more than my happiness. I know that sounds silly, but I can't help myself. I don't think I can conceive it as my family suffer because of my own selfish ways. Living there will be such a torture if I leave now.
I guess, I got nothing else to do but to unlock the words that got lost in the translation. Hoping one day that I'll find my own salvation.